the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
