Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Randomize
