That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
