im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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