I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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