I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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