Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
