Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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