I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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