i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
