My liver just broke up with me...
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
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