i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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