I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
