I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
