So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
