I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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