Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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