You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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