Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
