Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
