So drunk its hurt
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
