apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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