Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
