Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize