so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize