Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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