My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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