You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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