Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize