My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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