Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
