apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
