....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
