I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
