my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
