last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
