these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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