hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
