i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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