2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
