Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
