I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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