i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
