feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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