Someone shit on the floor
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
