The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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