This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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