I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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