he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
