we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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