my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
