Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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