My Higher Power is John Stamos
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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