dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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