i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
