I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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