I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
