You made me cry and you don't even care
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
