When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
